From 1969-1993 Bert illustrated a column in Private Eye magazine known as ‘True Stories’, written by poet Christopher Logue.

Issue 293
9 March 1973

Five weeks after he cut his foot while paddling by the shore of Lake Moondarra, Australia, Mr David Palmer, a Brisbane fishmonger, developed a very large blister over the hurt place. The surgeon who lanced the blister found that it contained a live, half-inch-long fish.

Issue 287
15 December 1972

After making love to his friend’s wife, Mr. Johann Heer of Vienna took a felt-tipped pen and drew a romantic landscape on her bum. Less harm would have come of this creation if Mr Heer had not signed his work.
“I am a regular Sunday painter”, said Mr Heer, “and after we had enjoyed ourselves, Frau Garubul wanted to watch Gone with the Wind on television.
“Love stories do not interest me”, he continued, ”so I took up my pen. I did not ask her permission as she likes being tickled. Later I went to sleep. She was gone when I woke up”.
Returning home, Frau Garubul got into bed before her husband, Franz, finished his stint as a taximan.
“As my wife was asleep when I got in, I thought I would give her a goodnight kiss. It was then I saw the landscape – signed with Johann’s name. It was his signature,” Franz went on, “and to prove it, I woke my wife up and we compared it to another signature on a painting he gave us that hangs in the dining room.”

He was granted a divorce.

Issue 195
6 June 1969

“It wasn’t a serious fight,” said Mr Hyland, Landlord of the Half Moon and former middleweight boxing champion.
“Alec put the lock on this chap who reached up and tore off his ear. I picked it up, handed it to Alec and told him to get it sewn back on, but he just laughed and threw it back on the floor.